Christmas is coming up soon, and I am trying my best to enjoy the time of year. But I never can. It rained all weekend, and I felt sick because of the weather. The doctor told me that I probably feel bad all the time because of stress and that there's nothing physically wrong with me. I guess I sort of had that idea in my head all along, but curing me of something physical always seemed so much easier than curing me of something emotional. He said that I should "talk to someone". Meaning... some sort of therapist I guess. The idea sounds appealing and disgusting to me all at once. I would like to think that I am more... "put together" than having to go to a therapist. I tell myself that there are so many people that need a therapist more than me. Although, I am always comparing myself to other people. And thats wrong of me to do. Cause I am not them, and theyre not me. I guess... the idea of having to go to a therapist is hard just because, I am admitting that there really is something wrong with me. I dont even know if there is something wrong with me. Maybe subconsciously I am making myself more confused than I actually am. After you feel sad for such a long period of time, its hard to make yourself feel better. Cause, you get used to feeling bad all the time. It eventually starts to be some sort of a comfort... feeling sad I mean. It becomes some sort of effort to be happy. I would rather be sad if thats what comes naturally to me. It's silly to be something that youre not... even if being something you're not is better for you.
I watched The Cider House Rules today. I had seen the first half a few weeks ago, but never got to finish it. So, I saw the whole thing today. It was one of the best movies I have seen in quite some time. It ranks right up there with American Beauty and American History X. (Heh. Its one of the only movies that I really like that doesnt start with the word "American") I think that I will watch it again tomorrow after I get home from school.
I have exams all this week. And, I am actually rather relieved by the whole thing. It means that things are finally ending. This year has been going by extremely fast so far. I guess because, last year I didnt know anyone at all. And this year I feel like I know just about everyone... in one way or another.
I have been thinking about "my future" a lot lately. Just.. wondering what I want to do after I get out of high school. And, I have even been thinking about what I want to do after college. I have had a few ideas running around in my head for quite some time. I havent made any sort of decision yet. Its a bit early for me to be thinking about it all, but for some reason I keep thinking about it even a little more than the present. I have always been like that I guess. I desperately want to get out of this city, and even out of this state. I want to go to college either for writing or for art..(photography, painting or graphic design.) Its funny though, cause I dont want a job in any of those fields. So. This is my job plan: I am going to open up a cheap bookstore/coffee shop in the downtown area here... that is assuming that I would still be living here. See, for school, I either want to go somewhere up in the northeast, or I want to stay here. I dont actually want to stay here... but... i dunno. I have had this dream since like sixth grade, that me and my best friend would go to the art college here together, and we would share an apartment, or a dorm room or something. In the back of my mind, ever since that dream came to be, I have been thinking that would happen. I still want to get out of here. But, somehow... that whole dream still seems wonderful to me, despite the location problem. I dont know what I want to do. I just... want to be able to start all over. Thats all I really care about right now. Just starting over.
My brother's mother-in-law, who came to visit with them this weekend was talking to me about all of that. She's this little old lady from Ecuador, and she speaks half Spanish, and half English all the time. It was neat talking to her, and hearing her talk in Spanish, cause I could understand almost all of it. I didnt think that I was learning that much in Spanish. Anyways, so, she was talking to me about my college plans the first night they got here. I talked to her more the whole weekend than I did to my brother or his wife. She was very impressed with my drawings. She paints, and every time I see her, she asks to see what I have been working on in school. She is so sweet, and I think of her as a grandmother almost. I told her how I wanted to get away from this city, and all of that, and she took my hand, and looked at me and said, "I know you want to start all over, and be different. But, even if you are in a different place, you will still be the same person inside." I wanted to cry or something when she said that, cause it was so true. But. I dunno. I still want to get away, but now when I think of leaving, her words come flooding back to me.
I dont know what I want to do for right now. I just... want to get better. And enjoy things, and have a good time even if I am still feeling sad. So, thats it for now. Its been quite a long entry, but I felt like I needed to write about this, since I havent written here in a while.