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Below are the 18 most recent journal entries recorded in Rozaline North's LiveJournal:

Sunday, January 21st, 2001
4:26 pm
i cant breathe. i am getting sick like i was during this past year's jazz festival. my head is evil. i need to quit sneezing so much. star wars is on tv right about now. i really like that movie, as well as the others. wasnt too impressed with the most recent one. i love harrison ford in them though. hes a really neat guy. so nice. i saw this show on bravo awhile ago interviewing him. he seems so nice and down to earth. plus, he flies planes on his own. which is awesome.

nothing at all happened with me this weekend. i have been listening to lots of music. i drew this picture in charcoal last night, its decent. i forgot how fun charcoal is to use. its real fast and not much concentration has to go into it like when i use pens and i have to concentrate on every single little line.

my dad's birthday is today, and so is my parents' anniversary. we havent done anything to celebrate either occasion. we're supposed to go out to dinner tonight, but i dont know where. hopefully somewhere nice that i can actually eat at.

i just talked to my nephew for a good while about u2 and about atlanta and such other things. hes so nice. i have always liked him a whole lot. i havent seen him in forever it seems. i wish he would come visit us. hes one of my relatives that i actually would want to be friends with if i didnt already know him.

well, anyways, thats enough of my blabbering. until next time...

4:26 pm
i cant breathe. i am getting sick like i was during this past year's jazz festival. my head is evil. i need to quit sneezing so much. star wars is on tv right about now. i really like that movie, as well as the others. wasnt too impressed with the most recent one. i love harrison ford in them though. hes a really neat guy. so nice. i saw this show on bravo awhile ago interviewing him. he seems so nice and down to earth. plus, he flies planes on his own. which is awesome.

nothing at all happened with me this weekend. i have been listening to lots of music. i drew this picture in charcoal last night, its decent. i forgot how fun charcoal is to use. its real fast and not much concentration has to go into it like when i use pens and i have to concentrate on every single little line.

my dad's birthday is today, and so is my parents' anniversary. we havent done anything to celebrate either occasion. we're supposed to go out to dinner tonight, but i dont know where. hopefully somewhere nice that i can actually eat at.

i just talked to my nephew for a good while about u2 and about atlanta and such other things. hes so nice. i have always liked him a whole lot. i havent seen him in forever it seems. i wish he would come visit us. hes one of my relatives that i actually would want to be friends with if i didnt already know him.

well, anyways, thats enough of my blabbering. until next time...

Sunday, January 14th, 2001
8:27 pm
things are looking up
things have been different lately. lets list the new additions to my life, shall we?

my friend, and my mom's patient died today. he had been sick for quite some time, and i knew it would only be a short time before it would be all over. but i dont know what i feel about losing him. he was a kind old man that wanted happiness, and hopefully he finally got it before he went. its not at all real to me as of yet that hes gone. the funeral is on thursday at ten in the morning. mom said that if i want to go, that she'll let me miss school. normally, i would jump at the chance to get out of school. but, i dunno. funerals scare the crap out of me ever since the one in '95. i cant decide if going would make me feel better, or if it would just be too much for me right now. one more decision to make i suppose.

on a happier note... my grandpa is out of the hospital and back at his house. hes doing pretty well, and i am overjoyed that he got better so quickly. to lose him would kill me. literally.

lately, despite my friend passing away, i have been in almost good spirits. these past few days have been amazingly fun for me, and i find myself focusing on the good things instead of the bad. i have found something to keep my spirits up. something that makes me feel good, and helps me to have something to look forward to every day. i have been out with friends for three nights in a row, going to shows and seeing people and hearing good music and coming home late. i have spent those past few nights laughing and smiling, and not thinking about all the things that have been troubling my life lately. i hope that this keeps up, so i will continue to feel physically good, as well as emotionally.

(this isnt really important, but it has been making me feel better for some reason, so i will list it anyways.) i have been working on a drawing this whole past week of this old man without any teeth sitting on a stoop, and hes got on this awesome old hat, and its a really neat picture, off of the cover of my copy of cannery row. i drew it in pen, scribbling the lines to shade, and i am very proud of it. today i spent almost the whole of it on a new ink drawing of a little boy holding an american flag. i used the scribbling technique, and i am very glad to have drawn two things that turned out decently.

well, i guess thats it for now. nothing else to write. but i am glad to say that things have been looking up... despite the few downs here and there.

Monday, January 8th, 2001
5:08 pm
grandpas in the hospital again. hes just now checking into the emergency room. is the world around me crumbling? Or am I crumbling while the world around me stands not saying a word?
Sunday, December 10th, 2000
8:09 pm
long update
Winter break is almost here. I am so glad that things are finally coming to a close. I guess I just need a break from everything right now. I am in that mood again... I write all day, and then I come home and draw, or make some sort of collage while I listen to music, and I dont really talk to anyone except for my really close friends.

Christmas is coming up soon, and I am trying my best to enjoy the time of year. But I never can. It rained all weekend, and I felt sick because of the weather. The doctor told me that I probably feel bad all the time because of stress and that there's nothing physically wrong with me. I guess I sort of had that idea in my head all along, but curing me of something physical always seemed so much easier than curing me of something emotional. He said that I should "talk to someone". Meaning... some sort of therapist I guess. The idea sounds appealing and disgusting to me all at once. I would like to think that I am more... "put together" than having to go to a therapist. I tell myself that there are so many people that need a therapist more than me. Although, I am always comparing myself to other people. And thats wrong of me to do. Cause I am not them, and theyre not me. I guess... the idea of having to go to a therapist is hard just because, I am admitting that there really is something wrong with me. I dont even know if there is something wrong with me. Maybe subconsciously I am making myself more confused than I actually am. After you feel sad for such a long period of time, its hard to make yourself feel better. Cause, you get used to feeling bad all the time. It eventually starts to be some sort of a comfort... feeling sad I mean. It becomes some sort of effort to be happy. I would rather be sad if thats what comes naturally to me. It's silly to be something that youre not... even if being something you're not is better for you.

I watched The Cider House Rules today. I had seen the first half a few weeks ago, but never got to finish it. So, I saw the whole thing today. It was one of the best movies I have seen in quite some time. It ranks right up there with American Beauty and American History X. (Heh. Its one of the only movies that I really like that doesnt start with the word "American") I think that I will watch it again tomorrow after I get home from school.

I have exams all this week. And, I am actually rather relieved by the whole thing. It means that things are finally ending. This year has been going by extremely fast so far. I guess because, last year I didnt know anyone at all. And this year I feel like I know just about everyone... in one way or another.

I have been thinking about "my future" a lot lately. Just.. wondering what I want to do after I get out of high school. And, I have even been thinking about what I want to do after college. I have had a few ideas running around in my head for quite some time. I havent made any sort of decision yet. Its a bit early for me to be thinking about it all, but for some reason I keep thinking about it even a little more than the present. I have always been like that I guess. I desperately want to get out of this city, and even out of this state. I want to go to college either for writing or for art..(photography, painting or graphic design.) Its funny though, cause I dont want a job in any of those fields. So. This is my job plan: I am going to open up a cheap bookstore/coffee shop in the downtown area here... that is assuming that I would still be living here. See, for school, I either want to go somewhere up in the northeast, or I want to stay here. I dont actually want to stay here... but... i dunno. I have had this dream since like sixth grade, that me and my best friend would go to the art college here together, and we would share an apartment, or a dorm room or something. In the back of my mind, ever since that dream came to be, I have been thinking that would happen. I still want to get out of here. But, somehow... that whole dream still seems wonderful to me, despite the location problem. I dont know what I want to do. I just... want to be able to start all over. Thats all I really care about right now. Just starting over.

My brother's mother-in-law, who came to visit with them this weekend was talking to me about all of that. She's this little old lady from Ecuador, and she speaks half Spanish, and half English all the time. It was neat talking to her, and hearing her talk in Spanish, cause I could understand almost all of it. I didnt think that I was learning that much in Spanish. Anyways, so, she was talking to me about my college plans the first night they got here. I talked to her more the whole weekend than I did to my brother or his wife. She was very impressed with my drawings. She paints, and every time I see her, she asks to see what I have been working on in school. She is so sweet, and I think of her as a grandmother almost. I told her how I wanted to get away from this city, and all of that, and she took my hand, and looked at me and said, "I know you want to start all over, and be different. But, even if you are in a different place, you will still be the same person inside." I wanted to cry or something when she said that, cause it was so true. But. I dunno. I still want to get away, but now when I think of leaving, her words come flooding back to me.

I dont know what I want to do for right now. I just... want to get better. And enjoy things, and have a good time even if I am still feeling sad. So, thats it for now. Its been quite a long entry, but I felt like I needed to write about this, since I havent written here in a while.

Tuesday, November 14th, 2000
5:51 pm
Oliver brushed up against my shoulder and sort of made one of those whirring sounds, as if he was trying to tell me something. He put his paw on my arm and let his claws come out a little so that they made faint scratching noises against my sweater. The doorbell rang, it frightened me, seeing as how no one ever rang the bell when they stopped by my apartment. I got up from my desk and maneuvered myself around a few boxes and tables and various other things, and I got to the door and opened it up a little and peered around to the other side. (One could never be too careful in these types of situations.) But it turned out to only be Matthew, my clumsy neighbor. He lived one floor down from me, and he tended to come up and see me every now and then. He had the cutest little English accent. The kind that the little kids in English movies always have. He liked the tea I bought, and I expected that I would have to make some for him. Of course he never went out to buy himself a package.
The Cubs are up. Six to one. He said without a hello or how are you?.
Well, that's good to know Matt, He walked into the kitchen and I followed him, right to the Earl Gray Tea. Could I interest you in a cup of tea? I asked, already knowing the answer.
Uh... yeah sure, why not. He said.
I got out the tea and boiled some water for the both of us, and as the kettle whistled, Oliver jumped down from the cabinet he had been on, and ran into the other room. What a scaredie-cat he was.
So, what have you been up to Matt? Besides the Cubs being up six to one and ringing the bell instead of knocking I mean.
Oh, um, just puddering around the building like I usually do. Looking for spare change on the floors, talking to Mrs. Hanover from 9B. Did you know she already had that gallbladder operation?
No... I wasnt aware of that, Matt, just to inform you, was the type of person who cared about everyone. When he mentioned that to me, about Mrs. Hanover and her gallbladder being removed, Im sure he really did care to know that she was alright, and he wanted to make sure that I knew that she was alright as well, or else he wouldnt have mentioned it to me. He was fun and a wonderful person, but sometimes his caring about everyone got in the way of his wonderful personality, and it was times like these that I honestly couldnt stand to be around him. Well Matt, I would love to stay and chat with you, but I was just on my way out for some coffee, and to meet my friend at the Flying Eagle.
Oh, ya mean the little book store around the corner?
Yes, the little book store around the corner.
Oh, well alright, he got up from the counter where he had been sitting, and left for the front door, still carrying my coffee mug filled to the top with tea. But you give me a ring when you get back.
Ok, Ill be sure to do that. Enjoy the rest of the tea. He sort of tipped his cup in my general direction and nodded his head, and turned to close the door behind him. Now I didnt have any other choice but to go to The Flying Eagle, so I got my scarf from the sofa, and took my hat in my hands and locked the door behind me and left.
The wind was ice cold, and by the time I was just about to get to the doors of the book store, I could barely feel my face. I reached the coffee shop just in time for the six oclock special. The perfect time to get cheap coffee. Of course they pick the time for this little bonus at six oclock because they somehow figure out that six oclock is when they have the lightest business, so they cant loose too much money by making the coffee cheaper. Which is smart for them, but to the consumers things like that always seem sneaky before theyre thought of as being smart.
I took off my hat and my scarf before I walked up to the counter to place my order. I decided to get a mochachino, since thats what the cash register boy suggested. It must have been his first day working there because he was sort of shaking and mumbling when he asked, Can I take your order? or Can I help you? or one of those phrases that Im sure the manager told him to say.
After I got my mochachino he said, Have a nice day maam. Now that phrase I remembered. I absolutely hate it when people in stores or the like refer to me as maam. It makes me feel so incredibly old, and I dont think that I should feel that old at twenty five. I had been planning to give the kid a big tip so he could start his job out with some decent money, but after that I decided only to leave him a dollar.
As I placed the dollar in his little jar marked Tips he said, Oh, thank you maam. And I sort of flinched a little and then I finally said, Sure, but my name is Judy. Call me that next time. He looked kind of scared, so I smiled and he did too. He stuck out his hand and said a little hesitantly, Oh, well its nice to meet you Judy. Im Arthur. I shook his hand and said something to the affect of Well nice to meet you. Ill see you next time. And then he withdrew his hand and grinned.
I walked out of the Flying Eagle then, and went down to this newsstand that was around the corner. My friend George worked there most days, and I could usually get a magazine or newspaper from him for free.
5:28 pm
random poems
Written sometime last year...

Apple Core

My love for you is now like an apple core,
eaten away and brown with age-
kicked and tormented down dirty streets
by the kids that live next door.

Strange Friend

A stranger sits across from me.
Ive know her for too long.
Our identities fade in and out
with the times and the people.
Its so confusing cause I thought I knew her well.
But lately its like reading some open book,
only the pages are filled with air.
I laugh and smile like always,
cause Im too scared to say whats wrong.
I feel trapped inside me
while others go on and stare.

Well, anyways, enough of that. I have a lot more poems, but I dont like any of them. Theyre all too rushed and boring. Pretty monotonous. But these two are alright I guess. I have this one story somewhere. I think I will put it in here too. Its not finished in the least, and probably wont be for some time. I figured I havent written here in quite a while, and, since I dont have much to write about, I decided to just put random things that I have been working on over the last year or so in here. So. The story's coming up soon.

Friday, August 18th, 2000
4:40 pm
What a week this has been
Its finally Friday. This week has seemed to last forever. I'm glad its over with. I still cant grasp the fact that I am already back in school. It feels so strange... All these new people are talking to me about things... and its weird for me, cause I never thought they knew I was alive until this first week of school. I dont know what to make of this yet.

Since school takes up most of the day, I havent really been doing much. Tomorrow a bunch of my friends and I are getting together for a picnic somewhere. It will be very fun, like summer never ended.

I spent the more memorable parts of today writing a story. Well, starting to write a story. Its only about a page in a half so far, but I dont think I have done anything to screw it up yet. But I'm sure that sooner or later it will turn out like all the other stories that I write and end up throwing out. A piece of melodramatic crap. But, so far, I like it a lot. Its great when you do something that you can be proud of. Its like it gives you a sense of purpose.

People change a lot easier than I would think was possible. I am really starting to learn that this year. A bunch of people came back to school completely different. And, I dont know, I guess that there are so many different parts to one person, that its hard to know all of those parts. So you see one part, and you assume that thats all there is inside of them. But then you come to realize that there is so much more. I guess it's a nice thought when I see it written out like this, but it sure can be confusing too, cause you get so used to the people you thought everyone was, that when you realize that wasnt all of them, you have to come up with a whole new opinion of who you think they are. I dont know. The whole idea confuses me.

Then that leads me to my next thought: Are people walking around thinking the same thing about me? Because I know that I am different from how I used to be, but this part of me was always here, I just never showed it to anyone. So, maybe everyone that I think has changed, hasnt really, but they are just being another part of themself.

Whenever I think about things like this... how people change, and how there are so many different "people" inside one of them, I think about a book that I read called "Steppenwolf". I never finished the whole thing... I think I stopped reading about thrity pages from the end. It was a very depressing book. Very interesting, but so depressing that I couldnt finish it. But the main idea of the book is that there is this guy, and he is kind of "battling" the two parts of himself. One is the calm and quiet type of guy, and then the other is the "wolf from the Steppes"... The wild part of himself I suppose. It was really interesting to read about it. It kept on talking about how in a person, there are millions of parts inside of them, that they didnt know existed in themselves. So many people and different personalities, that you cant even slpit them up between a man, and a wolf. That there is the murderer and the "popular guy" and the recluse, and everything else in between, and that the person himself decides which parts of him to keep held back inside, and which parts to show people. I guess I just think that things like that are interesting. And I suppose I have drifted off the topic enough for now.

I think I will write later on. I meant to write in this entry about the talk me and my mom had yesterday about how this country doesnt seem to have any type of culture anymore. But I guess I have written enough for today to bore you. Until then...


Current Mood: contemplative
Tuesday, August 15th, 2000
5:59 pm
school started
School started Monday. whoop dee doo. It is very lonely, and I miss everyone. I dont have classes with any of my friends. Its all very surreal to me that I'm already back in school. It feels like summer never had an official ending. Just like it stopped all of a sudden.

I have been sitting in my room for the past few days just replaying the same song. Cause it describes how I feel so well. Its kind of a love song, but thats not the part that really applies to me. I guess I just get something completely different from it. here's some of the lyrics...well all of them....

Six o'clock in the morning
You're the last to hear the warning
You've been trying to throw your arms around the world

You've been falling off the sidewalk
Your lips move but you can't talk
Tryin' to throw your arms around the world

I'm gonna run to you...run to you...run to you...be still
I'm gonna run to you...run to you...run to you...woman I will

Sunrise like a nosebleed, your head hurts and you can't breathe
You been tryin' to throw you arms around the world
How far are you gonna go before you lose your way back home?
You've been trying to throw your arms around the world

I'm gonna run to you...

I dreamed that I saw Dali with a supermarket trolley
He was trying to throw his arms around a girl
He took an open top beetle through the eye of a needle
He was tryin' to throw his arms around the world

I'm gonna run to you...

Nothin' much to say I guess, just the same as all the rest
Been trying to throw your arms around the world
A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle
When you're tryin' to throw your arms around the world

I'm gonna run to you...run to you
I'm gonna run to you...run to you
I'm gonna run to you...run to you
Woman be still...woman be still
Be still...woman be still, woman I will

And I guess, the parts that just mean a lot to me, personally are the parts about throwing your arms around the world. Cause, right now, thats how i have been feeling. Just... trying to "reach out" to people lately. But failing at it so far i suppose. And then it seems to be saying, how you should just wait and something great will come your way.... "I'm gonna run to you, run to you.. be still" I dont know. I could be interpretting the song all wrong, but thats what it means to me, and it makes me cry every time.

Well, my best friend is gone right now, and no matter how much she can get on my nerves at times, I depend on her a lot. Its scary... cause I never really realized that I actually need her. Its weird. I guess we're just so close, and now that shes gone, even if its only for a little while, i miss her a lot.

Hmm, well.... I guess thats about all I have to write for today. Until then...


Current Mood: moody
Saturday, August 12th, 2000
7:28 pm
We're One But We're Not the Same...
Why is it that people always have to compare you to your friends? It seems like people are always thinking.... "well, her friend is better, so we'll be friends with that other person instead of her." And then that first person is just left alone, feeling hurt and worthless. Right now, I hate everyone. Nothing can make me feel better. Cause I'm always the one that gets ignored, the one that softly fades away into the background, to be forgotten about. The one who doesnt matter. I cant stand feeling this way, cause I dont think I have done anything bad enough to deserve this. I wonder if that person even realizes what they've done to me, and how they've made me feel. They probably have no clue... which only makes everything worse. Cause, of course, I'm too scared to say anything. Me, the person who is supposed to be able to express my emotions easily. Well, maybe on paper, or in my mind, but I just cant bare to start an argument about something like this, cause I feel like an idiot for feeling this way. I dont know what to do about this, and I am sure that I will ignore my feelings like always, and try to look at the bright side of it all, and pretend that the bad things arent here anymore.

"Its too late tonight to drag the past out into the night we're one but were not the same we get to carry each other, carry each other... one... did i ask too much more than a lot you gave me nothing now its all i got. we're one but we're not the same, well we hurt each other then we do it again."

Hopefully, this is all in my mind, and it'll all just go away once the weekend is over. I'll have even more to worry about, with the beginning of school, and maybe that'll take my mind off these hurtful feelings, and I will be stressed out rather than upset at a friend.

Wednesday, August 9th, 2000
4:38 pm
Gosh, I'm Bored
Today was my first day in quite awhile it seems, where I havent gone to work. I had forgotten how slowly the day passes by when you dont have a car to drive in or when you have absolutley nothing to do.

I need to make a Transformers t-shirt for the show tomorrow... and really tomorrow is all I have to look forward to, as far as doing anything with friends goes. The party at Tyler's is tomorrow, and it'll give me a chance to see everyone before school starts again. Although most of the people who will be there are going to my school anyways.

I was talking with this girl a little whole ago, and telling her about how I met Justin Sane at The Warped Tour. And the first thing that came out of her mouth concerning me meeting the lead singer of Anti-Flag was, "Is he hot?" AAARRGGGHHH. I thought i was gonna kill her after she said that. Shes not a really shallow person either, but thats the first thing she asked me about him. Not "Was he nice?".... or "What did you talk to him about?" or anything like that. But she just had to ask "Was he hot?" I guess it made me so mad just because to me Justin Sane seems like such a neat person that its like an insult to ask that about him or something. Oh well. I wasnt talking with her too long after that, and I guess she can be okay sometimes, just as long as we arent having a huge girl-talk and giggling about all the boys we like or something lame like that.

School starts soon, and I havent decided if I'm happy or not about that yet. I havent done much on my summer reading... and I think I'm going to die if I have to get up at 6 o'clock in the morning next week. I'm going to have to take the bus to and from school again this year, and I am hoping that I'll find someone who will be willing to at least take me home in the afternoons every once in awhile. I am really looking forward to going to the beach to see the meteor shower on the twelfth. I'll probably end up staying up for that whole day, and I am so excited about it.

Well, I guess thats all for today. I'll write again, sometime soon I guess.

Wednesday, August 2nd, 2000
12:12 pm
I just got out of the shower, and I feel really good. I am tired though. I am listening to The Beatles, and I want to listen to Ben Folds Five or U2, but I'm too lazy to get up and get the cd.

I dont really have anything exciting to write about... I have to go to work today.... fun fun.... and then I think I might go with some friends to rent a few movies. I hope that works out so that I'll have something to do today. Yesterday was a good day for me. I saw friends for a lot of the time after I got off of work, which was nice, because when I'm at work I always feel like I'm missing out on something. At least I'll get paid soon, so I will finally have some money.

A few weeks ago, my "friend" let me borrow a cd... but something stupid happened, and it got stolen from me, so I told her and she said it was okay, to just buy her back the cd later when I got some money, which I thought was fair. But then we were in a store and I saw a cd that i really wanted and so she bought it for me, but said that I didnt have to pay her back for it. But yesterday, after not talking to her for a few weeks, I said hi, and the first thing she said to me was "hey. Remember how I said you didnt owe me for the cd I bought you? Well, now you do cause I need the money." And so I stupidly said "Ok sure". But then I was thinking about it, and I realized that she was kinda taking advantage of me, by changing her mind all of a sudden like that. And I asked her why she needed the money and she said cause she owes people a lot of money. And I could understand this if any of my other friends said it... but she has so much money... all the time. Twenty dollar bills in her pockets... so I asked "well dont you get paid at your job?" and she said "well yeah but my mom made me put it in the bank for college". Great! just great... (and keep in mind that there was a really long pause in between my last question and her answer) But I dont know, the whole thing really upset me, cause she went back on her word like that... And we're not on the best of terms right now in the first place, yet she is still almost demanding money from me. And I know its pointless of me to be ranting and raving about this, because I know that I'll end up giving her the money... I hate getting in fights with friends, and I guess I'll do almost anything to avoid being mad at people. But I guess sometimes, its okay to let that happen though.... I mean at least I'm letting her know how I feel if I tell her. But I dont know if I'm overly worrying about this or not. I probably am... I worry too much about everything.... oh well, I guess we'll see what happens. Thats it for today I guess, I have to leave in a few minutes for work. So, Until then....

Sunday, July 30th, 2000
10:51 pm
After Warped Tour
Well... I just got back from Warped Tour today. I have to say that it was definitely the best thing that I've done all summer. I met Justin Sane, the lead singer from Anti-Flag, and got his autograph. He was so nice! Anti-Flag was probably the best band there... in my opinion. Green Day was disappointing... there were just too many people, and I was smushed up next to a whole family full of rednecks... hence why I wasnt too happy while trying to listen to Green Day. I saw a little bit of Mxpx... and I saw The Hippos play. They are a ska band that I had never heard of until the concert. They were pretty good though... and I met their trumpet player. He was... interesting. I also met Tim Armstrong from Rancid.. although I wouldnt have known it was him if the friends I was with hadnt said anything about it being him. He seemed really nice, and his girlfriend... or maybe his wife... was there with him too. She was really nice too, and my friend got a picture with them. It was all very exciting. Its nice to know that some people who are famous dont act like they know it. They seemed like regular people that you could meet somewhere downtown, or anywhere else for that matter. And it makes things more bareable in some way. I had a great time after the concert too, when I spent the time with friends at the pool and on the beach later that night. It was a great weekend... something I dont think I'll be forgetting anytime too soon.

Aside from that... I have to go to work tomorrow... whoop dee doo. Then a friend of mine is spending the night after I get off of work. My friends' band might be playing at a house somewhere tomorrow night also, so I hope that works out so I can go somewhere and see all my other friends too.

Well, I guess thats about it for now. I'll be back later on this week hopefully to update a little more. Until then...

Thursday, July 27th, 2000
8:23 pm
Love is a temple
...That's a line from the song I am listening to right now. Its one of my favorite songs. Its called "One" by U2. Every time I hear it I almost cry ... and I guess that's what every great song should do to you.

So anyways, among other things, today was my second day of work, and things there are going well. Everyone there said that I was doing a good job, so I am glad that I haven't really pissed anyone off yet. Although I'm sure I will within the next two weeks of working there. I leave early tomorrow morning, with my friend to go to the Warped Tour. I am so excited. I hope I have a good time. I cant wait!

Well, I cant really think about anything else to write. I guess the two main things going on in my life right now are work and going to the Warped Tour. I think this is the first week in a while where I'm not having problems with friends.... Which is great for me, cause I hate when me and my friends disagree about something and it turns into a huge argument. So this week has been pretty good.... Kind of relaxing, but I'm sure that'll all be different by the end of Warped Tour. I probably wont be back till Sunday or Monday. So until then, I hope everyone who might be reading has a good weekend.

Tuesday, July 25th, 2000
12:42 pm
Its Tuesday and I dont have much planned yet. Maybe going to lunch with friends from middle school... or something of that nature. Tomorrow I start work, and I'm actually kind of nervous. I guess I just dont want to piss off the people that work there. Hopefully I'll do okay, and I wont direct calls to the wrong person.

Last night was one of the hardest times of falling asleep that I think I have ever experienced. I dont know why, but all these thoughts just kept running around in my head, and it took me nearly three hours to finally fall asleep peacefully. I kept coming up with all these ideas for how to make a purse out of string, and what color the bag would be, and how big could I make it with just string. And then I kept thinking about this button that I have, and how I want to paint it a color and write something on it, like BECK in big letters.... or Ben Folds and then a big 5 under that. It was weird cause I dont usually think about arts and crafts activities that i want to do when I am about to go to sleep... but last night i did. Well, hopefully something interesting will happen later on today.

Thats all folks!

Sunday, July 23rd, 2000
12:12 am
What a great day I had!!!
I went everywhere today! I had a great day. First this morning I went to synagogue with friends. And there was someone standing up on the little potium singing the prayers, and he had the most beautiful voice i think i have ever heard. It was so religious sounding, and so Israeli, and it was wonderful.

I dont go to synagogue too much, just because... well, for a lot of reasons actually. Mostly cause I feel amazingly uncomfortable there, like I'm not aloud to go since I'm not Jewish enough. But today, since that Rabbi was there, singing so beautifully, it made my day wonderful. And I finally had something worth while to pray about, just because great things have been happening to me, and also because I was sick, and now I'm all better, and so I wanted to go and say thank you.

I try not to be blinded by god, because I think believing in god is a good thing, but that if it starts to control your life that its really just a waste of time. Cause in my eyes, god is something thats there to make your life better, and happier, but if it ends up ruining your life than its not worth it.

I know religion is one of the most debated and controversial things to talk about, so I hope that no one who has read this is offended in any way. In all honesty, I am not anti- any religion at all. So, either if "the readers out there in cyber space" are Christian or Buddhist or anything else, please dont think that I am trying to say that my religion is better than yours. I hate when people do that, cause I dont think religion should be about competing.. even though a lot of people turn religion into that. i heard someone on tv say this... i think it was Bono from U2... he said "religion is just a club" or at least something to that extent... and I think that is so incredibly true... just thought I should get a Bono quote in there... for nick A. at least if he has been reading lately. =)

But.... hmm, what else to write about..... well after synogogue, me and my friends met at the mall.... the best hang out in the world (and yes that is sarcasm) and we went all over the place. We went to an ice cream store where the people make their own homemade ice cream!!!! And it was delicious!!!! And then we went to the pet store and played with all the puppies and the kitties... and there was one puppy in particular that I am absolutely in love with! I already named him and everything, even though I will never have him. I named him Sprocket.... from the puppet dog off of Fraggle Rock.. the best tv show ever. And this puppy was so incredibly adorable... I wish I could have him....

Well anyways... enough of my misery... then we walked over to Toys R' Us.. and we played on the bikes and rode around for nearly two hours.. maybe it was even more than that! It was so fun, cause I have never actually stayed in that store for longer than necessary.

It was so fun today, one of the best days in a long while. But its almost 12:30... and a friend is supposed to call, so I suppose that I need to go. I'll write again later.

Friday, July 21st, 2000
12:41 pm
In a better mood than last time
Well, its early this morning, at least early for me that is. I just woke up after four different people called me, and the fourth one of them finally woke me up. Friends came over last night and left early on into the morning, and they made me smile, and I was glad they came over cause I needed to feel better.

I find myself smiling a lot more now that I know these new people and I couldnt be more happy to feel like I have some true friends. Right now its my older friends, the ones that I've known my whole life that are causing me a lot of stress... one in particular... treats people so awful, and couldnt be more insensitive to their feelings. And so I have to go on smiling to her over the phone, and trying to remind myself why I like her as a person in the first place. And I think that if I have to do that... remind myself why I like her, then that means that something's gotta be wrong, and that maybe she just isnt the right person to be friends with. So, after writing this down I guess I have come to the conclusion, finally, that I just wont talk to her, unless she starts talking to me first... maybe that will show her that I am not this poor little girl that sits around begging my friends to pay attention to me and all that other stuff that she probably thinks about me.

Well.... what else should I write about? Ah yes, well I start work next Tuesday, and then I am going to Warped Tour in Jacksonville that Thursday night to see the concert on Friday morning and then a few days after I get back from the concert my brother and his kids are coming to visit. I am so excited about all of those things. Goodness, I mean, I will finally have some money from my job, and it seems like it'll be easy money since all I have to do is answer phones for two weeks, and I have great hours, and my neices and nephews are so much fun, and I am so glad that all these nice things are happening still. I say "still" just because usually things tend to die down towards the end of the summer time, but I guess thats not the case with my summer this year.

This has been the best summer for me ever, and all my friends have been saying the same thing, and that seems to make it feel even better, just because I know that things are going just as good for everyone else as they are for me. So, I suppose thats it for now. I'll probably write here later.

Tuesday, July 18th, 2000
4:21 pm
Well, hi everyone. Welcome to my pathetic life.
I guess I chose to start this whole journal thing today because I am deathly sick with some strange virus that will probably pass in a few days. I'm bored with nothing to do, I came on this site and started this journal for the world to see.

So, what to say what to say... I feel really shitty today, and I have never been so bored. I was watching the prevue channel a few minutes ago like i always do looking for something decent to watch, and I kept on seeing these comercials for that TV show that everyone keeps talking about.... mostly making fun of, but none the less, they wont shut up about this idiotic TV show called Survivor I think, or something to that effect anyways. (My apologies go out to all those Survivor fans out there, but you were the one who decided to read this crap in the first place). I dont know too much about the show and how it really works, but from what I understand, they stuck a bunch of obviously stupid people out on some island and then when the people get sick of a fellow survivor member, they vote him or her off of the island, therefore making him or her disqualified to win the 1 million dollar prize given to the last surviving member. I think that is the sickest and saddest thing I have ever heard. It just shows how awful people are today. How they will do absolutely anything and everything for money. People, namely parents are always saying how awful people are today and how corrupt they are and blah blah blah, but here on this show are yet more adults risking their lives and probably their sanity all for 1 million dollars. And even if they did win the money, they would probably be happy for about a month, and then all the annoying things about being rich will start to kick in and then they'll be seventy two, all alone in their little mansion, and they'll be killed by some inconspicuous younger relative, who will only follow in thier footsteps fourty more years down the road. But whatever, I am probably going on and on about this, but it has proven to me, personally, how sick and twisted the human race can be, and I feel the need to publicize that.

On a happier note, my father is now in the living room, watching Murder She Wrote, and I think I am going to go join him and watch it... or else go in my room and watch it alone.

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